how's the knee?....

Y se me acaban las vacaciones este fin de semana

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 09:38:25 GMT

¡TENGO MONO DE PLAYA!

Ben Stiller ha vuelto a dirigir una peli

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:06:03 GMT

Teniendo en cuenta que las anteriores que dirigió fueron The Cable Guy (Un loco a domicilio) y Zoolander, y que en la nueva hay varios actorazos, y que el trailer tiene su gracia...A mí ya me la han vendido.

The Cohonnuting Andesea test

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:33:23 GMT

1- Qué llevas puesto ahora mis- no, no importa realmente; ¿intentas que diga algo la ropa que te pones?: Supongo que sí, tengo demasiadas camisetas friquers y parches de la misma estirpe. En los días de cabreo afloran las calaveras en mi pecho. 2- ¿Te masturbas? ¿Mucho o poco?: Diariamente. 3- ¿Te molesta el contacto físico?: Nunca me ha gustado demasiado, salvo con determinadas y selectas personalidades. 4- De pequeño/a era... (completar): Miedica, solitario y mucho más listo que ahora (leía muchísimo) 5- ¿Tomas alguna medicación con frecuencia?: Pastillas de la alergia cuando toca (esta primavera me las he saltado y aspirina/antalgin cuando me duele algo). Poca cosa. 6- A todos nos preocupa algo siempre, ¿qué te preocupa ahora?: Estoy en una época en la que me preocupo por otras personas y animales. Preocupaciones propias no tengo demasiadas, como mucho recuperar la fuerza en el brazo izquierdo. 7- ¿El momento del día en el que estás de peor humor?: El viaje de vuelta a casa desde el trabajo. Un auténtico coñazo. 8- Si fueras libre de elegir, te acostarías siempre a las...: Soy muy dormilón. Me suelo acostar a las 22:30 y no tengo queja sobre ello. 9- Tus amigos más cercanos tienden a ser: Inteligentes y tirando a zumbados. 10- ¿Qué tipo de cine te parece un coñazo?: El cine iraní y el que se hace sólo con la cabeza y no con los huevos/ovarios. 11- ¿Con cuántas personas te has enrollado, así aproximadamente?: 2 12- ¿Sueles evadirte de las preguntas personales?: Depende de la persona que pregunte y contexto en el que se haga la pregunta. 13- ¿Cuándo dejaste de creer en Dios?: Nunca me lo he creido del todo, siempre pensé que la Biblia era ficción pobretona (uno aprendió a leer con libros sobre dinosaurios y claro...). Suelo reñir o pedirle favores a La Existencia/La Realidad, que sería algo así como mi equivalente a Dios, pero no espero que me oiga. Básicamente es un desahogo. 13- ¿Te molestan las preguntas capciosas como la de arriba?: ¡Capcom! 14- Tu primer orgasmo fue...: Durmiendo. 15- ¿Qué ruptura te dolió más?: Sólo he tenido una. Bueno, una vez me rompí la rabadilla en las escaleras. Eso sí que dolió. 16- ¿Has pensado seriamente alguna vez que tu vida corría peligro?: Sí, generalmente por hipocondrias varias. 17- ¿Por qué eres interesante?: Porque aparento ser interesante. Luego la gente se da cuenta de que no lo soy y se lo toman a mal. 18- ¿Cómo te comportas cuando estás intentando ligar con alguien?: Como un auténtico payaso. 19- Tu vida de ahora se acerca a como te la esperabas?: No, pero tiene su gracia descubrir por dónde te lleva la vida y cómo sales de los aprietos. Es como un culebroncete. 20- Sólo puedes elegir una: "Comer o follar" : No soy muy comilón. 21- ¿Qué palabras salidas de la boca de tu pareja harían que la dejaras inmediatamente?: Hay varias, pero ya me las han dicho todas y aún así nunca he abandonado el barco. 22- ¿Te cuesta relajarte?: No sé lo que es estar relajado. 23- La gente: ¿qué opinas de ella?: No me gusta su funcionamiento. 24- Has dicho "nunca lo volveré a hacer" y has acabado haciéndolo, como todos. ¿Qué sientes después de?: Cierta resignación y agotamiento. 25- Relaciones sexuales con tu alguien/alguienes de tu mismo sexo?: De momento no, pero tengo dudas. No sé ni si llego a ser hetero, porque sólo me atraen algunas pocas. 26- En el trabajo: ¿te gusta tener autonomía o prefieres que te dirijan?: Soy bastante solitario incluso para trabajar, aunque trabajo mejor si me dejan claro lo que tengo que hacer. Eso sí, me jode que me interrumpan. 27- Te acabas de sentir identificado con alguno de tus padres y dices "dios, soy mi madre/padre", ¿qué te hace sentir eso?: Cuando me parezco a mi padre me suele molestar, porque suele ser en cosas lamentables. Cuando me parezco a mi madre, me gusta. 28- ¿Cuál es tu precio para hacer algo que te parecería detestable normalmente?: Creo que si me pareciera MUY detestable, no lo haría. Tengo mi propio código moral, del cual desconozco las reglas, pero que me aparece en la cabeza cuando es necesario, como la directriz 4 de Robocop. 29- ¿Niños pequeños?: Así de lejos y poco. 30- En tu opinión, los psicólogos son...: Gente que ha estudiado algo interesante pero no muy riguroso científicamente. 31- ¿Cuál es la cosa ajena más embarazosa que has visto?: Los tunos. 32- ¿Cúal es el polvo más corto que has echado?: Buf, no sé, estoy intentando batir el récord. 33- ¿Te quitas los calcetines para follar?: ¿Los calcetines se pueden quitar? 34- Tiras los calcetines al primer tomate?: No me va la automutilación, yo soy uno con los calcetines. Eso sí, siempre limpios. 35- Una cosa rara, probablemente inusual, que te excita: Los asesinatos que rodaba Dario Argento.. 36- Cuando tuviste el sueño erótico con tu amigo-a/compañero-a de clase/trabajo, se lo contaste?: No he tenido muchos sueños de esos con gente que conozco, generalmente son más estúpidos. 37- ¿Qué te parecen los chupetones? Estoy a favor. 38- ¿Eres capaz de ayudar a la gente con sus problemas?: Lo intento pero creo que se me da fatal. Esa es mi mayor preocupación (pregunta 6). 39- ¿No te joden las cosas que no acaban en un número redondo, como por ejemplo que este test no tenga 40 preguntas?: Me irritan.

Atención, pregunta

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 11:00:12 GMT

¿Con qué se corta el pelo y se afeita Superman? ¿Con qué material están hechas esas tijeras y cuchillas? Es una duda que me acabo de plantear leyendo un tebeo, y que, por lo que veo, también preocupa a muchos.

Venga

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:37:44 GMT

El dichoso test que hemos hecho mil veces pero que volvemos a hacer porque nos encanta hablar de nosotros mismos y además es más cómodo que inventarse una entrada. Además, estoy de vacaciones.

1.- Nombre completo: Vicente.

2.- ¿Por qué te dieron ese nombre? Soy Vicente III

3 .- ¿Le pides deseos a las estrellas? A veces a las fugaces.

4.- ¿La última vez que lloraste? Anoche, viendo un documental putamadre sobre John Ford.

5.- ¿Pan con qué? Con morcilla picona roja.

6.- ¿Te gustan los animales? Pues sí, aprendí a leer casi por mi cuenta con libros de animales, especialmente con la colección Vida Íntima de los Animales, que ahora quizá suena un poco mal.

7.- ¿Cuántos hijos tienes? Ninguno, ni ganas.

8.- ¿Colaboras con alguna ONG? No, cada vez soy menos solidario.

9.- ¿Si fueras otra persona serías tu amigo? No, de hecho me caería como el culo.

10.- ¿Tienes un diario de vida? No, sería como la novela en la que se basa la carta de ajusta.

11.- ¿Eres sarcástico? Mucho, pero llevo años esforzándome en dejar de serlo. Antes lo era más, y lo malo es que a alguna gente le encanta que lo sea, aunque mis salidas sarcásticas sean un claro síntoma de mala leche y amargamiento.

12.- ¿Harías bungee? Sí, mira: "¡bungee, bungee!"

13.- ¿Cuál es tu cereal preferido? Hay unas tortitas de maiz que rulan por la oficina que están requetebuenas.

14.- ¿Te desabrochas los zapatos antes de sacarlos? Si al día siguiente voy a tener que ponérmelos con prisa, sí.

15.- ¿Crees que eres fuerte? Sí, aunque podría serlo mucho más si me pusiese a ello.

16.- ¿Tu helado favorito? Menta y limón.

17.- ¿Qué pie calzas? Nunca me acuerdo, 43 o así.

18.- ¿Rojo, rosado o tinto? No me gusta el vino.

19.- ¿Qué es lo que menos te gusta de ti? Mi falta de mandíbula y de agallas (literal y figuradamente)

20.- ¿A quién extrañas mucho? A mi amiguete Luis.

21.- ¿Qué color de pantalones y zapatos llevas puesto? Es verano y estoy en casa. Os ahorro el horror.

22.- ¿Lo último que comiste hoy? Bizcocho del pueblo para desayunar.

23.- ¿Qué estás escuchando en este momento? El programa de Ana Rosa, en el que están hablando de ritos vudú, no te lo pierdas.

24.- ¿La última persona con la que hablaste por teléfono? La muchacha.

25.-¿Trago favorito? Coca-Cola y Guinness, nunca juntas.

26.- ¿Deporte favorito para ver por la tele? Ninguno.

27.- ¿Comida favorita? Calabacines cortados en rodajas mínimas y rebozados.

28.- ¿Final triste o feliz? Ambiguo.

29.- ¿Tienes mascotas? La gata Bowie.

30.- ¿Día favorito del año? El día en el que empiezan las navidades.

31.- ¿Besos o abrazos? Según me lo pida el cuerpo. El contacto físico me gusta con muy poca gente.

32.- ¿Postre preferido? Gominola.

33.- ¿Eres una persona alegre? No, pero me lo tomo todo con humor.

34.- ¿Qué tres personas hace más de un año que no ves pero tienen un lugar especial en tu corazón? Tyrion, Daennerys y El Caballero de la Cebolla.

35.- ¿Qué libro estás leyendo? "Héctor Servadac" y otras mil cosas.

36.- ¿Color favorito? Negro.

37.- ¿Qué viste anoche en la tele? Estuve viendo un documental de la tele, pero en el ordenador.

38.- ¿Dónde es lo más lejos de tu casa que has estado? Egipto, creo. No me apetece sacar la regla.

39.- ¿Fuiste alguna vez infiel a tu pareja? Una cosa es que no me guste a mí mismo, y otra que me repugne a mí mismo. Hacer eso lograría que me sintiera como una mierda con gafas.

40.- ¿Crees que te responderán todos los marcados? Que les follen a los marcados, con sus...marcas. Dios, cómo los odio. ¿Qué son?

Burbujas con sabor a bacon

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:07:34 GMT

El mejor invento para mantenerme ocupado. ¡Ñam!

Sábado gigante

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 11:17:16 GMT

Hell yeah, hoy empiezo mis dos semanitas de vacaciones. La mayoría del tiempo voy a estar en mi casa, pero es un gustazo lo de no levantarse a las seis de la mañana para luchar por la supervivencia en el transporte público madrileño (lo de ayer fue de órdago, caos esperanzil en su estado más puro). Me dedicaré a achuchar a la moza, ir al cine, pasear por las mañanas (AKA comprar chorradas), ver deuvedeles, leer algunas joyitas que tengo pendientes y matar polis en Liberty City (o más bien hacer que ellos me maten a mí).

De momento, aquí al fresco del mamotreto que tengo por aire acondicionado, me pongo a ver el Raw ese. Está empezando, y antes han emitido un programa de esos de educar perros, la versión inglesa que tiene mucha más gracia y en donde la educadora es una dominatrix de tomo y lomo. Y vaya cochazo que tiene.

Me llamo Victoria Stilwell y vaya si no me pega el nombre

ID4

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 08:22:45 GMT

FELIZ 4 DE JULIO, Y QUE DIOS BENDIGA A AMERICA.

Michael Rennie was ill The Day the Earth Stood Still...

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:18:28 GMT

...así que llamaron a Keanu Reeves.

Por cierto que el diseño de la nave me hace recordar un episodio de Verano Azul llamado El visitante o La burbuja o algo así.

No me caben más remakes por el ojete.

Otra razón para matar a Nina. Hablando de hijos de puta de Operación Triunfo, me he enterado de que uno de los personajes que más me encienden la siempre incómoda furia homicida cumple años el mismo día que yo. El muy soplapollas. Muy triste, pero al menos aún están Garth Ennis y John Carpenter para no hacer el tema tan injusto.

Bikini de malla

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 10:30:17 GMT

Esperemos que no sea una inocentada como la que montamos aquella vez. Sin Amenabar, sin Elena Anaya, sin Penélope y sin Jorge Sanz.

Nu Image/Millennium Films is pleased to announce the return of RED SONJA to the big screen. The film will star Rose McGowan as the mythical flame-haired comic-book vixen with a sword, Red Sonja. The film is presented by Robert Rodriguez and will be directed by Douglas Aarniokoski.

The producers are Rodriguez, Avi Lerner, Boaz Davidson, Joe Gatta and George Furla. The film’s executive producers are Danny Dimbort, Trevor Short, Luke Lieberman and Nick Barrucci. The screenplay is written by David White. Red Sonja is based on a heroine created by Robert E. Howard and adapted for Marvel Comics by Roy Thomas.

In her return we find Red Sonja, a young girl risen from the ashes of tragedy to become the most feared woman warrior of all time. The mythical red-head blindly seeks vengeance on those who destroyed her family. In her path of destruction she discovers a larger purpose for her unearthly powers: to save all Hyrkania from the villainous Kulan Gath.

“This is an amazing property and film for our company,” says Nu Image/Millennium’s Avi Lerner. ”Working with the talented Robert Rodriguez, having Rose McGowan as Red Sonja

The Nu Image/Millennium deals were structured and orchestrated by Lonnie Ramati, executive vice president of business affairs.

“It is our intent to take this opportunity to build on the worlds of branded entertainment with Red Sonja as well as Conan, Hercules and The Three Musketeerstitles. There is history with these mythical heroes, and success,” says Millennium’s Boaz Davidson. “We were pleased when Joe Gatta brought us this project.”

Production is set to begin in October of this year. Locations are being scouted in Michigan and throughout the United States. Additional casting is also being considered. and Douglas Aarniokoski directing is a fantastic combination. We could not be happier.”

Sacado de aquí.

Pudimos

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:57:12 GMT

“España”.

Anoche, España se convirtió en algo más que un nombre propio. Incluso en algo más que una palabra o un grito de guerra. “España” era un sonido que surgía desde lo más profundo de nuestras almas, como puede suceder con una carcajada o un suspiro.

Ese sentimiento, esa exclamación tuvo algo especial, porque fue compartida por todo el país. Casi una invocación que nos unió en un mismo ser, dejando atrás nuestras diferencias. La política, el sexo, la edad, la condición económica…todo eso desapareció, dejando paso a algo mucho más grande e importante.

Cumplir un sueño siempre tiene un punto desconcertante, es como vivir algo que se ha vivido muchas veces, sólo que esta vez no ha sido en nuestra mente, sino en la realidad. La magia existe en momentos como estos, y me pregunto si no sería posible mantenerla. España siempre ha sido un país muy dado a la autocrítica, nos ninguneamos en exceso. Aunque se trate de simples molinos, vemos gigantes excesivamente grandes. Anoche vimos que no hay gigantes que valgan, que podemos enfrentarnos a cualquier cosa siempre y cuando nos dejemos de enfrentamientos sin sentido, y nos juntemos como una piña.

Y es que PODEMOS

Para el que quiera conocer el precio de este texto que he escrito en cinco minutos, son 0´60 euros.

En este preciso instante

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 11:48:06 GMT

No hay Pressing Catch porque están poniendo partidos REPETIDOS de jurgol. Pongo el tal TNA de Antena 3 y me parece pobre y soso.

Tengo el ventilador puesto, pero aún así la buhardilla sigue siendo un horno hasta que instalen el aire acondicionado. Teniendo en cuenta que la consola se calienta más que Bruce Banner (anoche vi la nueva película de La Masa, recuerdo que estuvo ligeramente entretenida, pero ya la he olvidado en su mayoría), mejor dejo el GTA para mis inminentes vacaciones (la mayoría del tiempo las pasaré en Madrid, que no hay medios como para irse por ahí). Además, me da cierta pereza enfrentarme a la misión "Heat" que me espera en cuanto la encienda. Me veo repitiéndola hasta diciembre:

Ah, la Eurocopa

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:35:40 GMT

Me han dicho en la tele que tengo que estar feliz porque unos analfabetos millonarios ganan jugando a la pelota, así que lo estaré. La masa, que no Hulk, sigue siendo un animal estúpido y maleable. Casi es reconfortante saber que hay cosas que no cambian.

Si por mí fuera, gasearía a todos los que van a celebrar a la calle los triunfos futbolísticos. Se ahorrarían un montón de problemas futuros.

O al menos los castraría.

Póster de puta madre

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:53:40 GMT

Aunque tenga el hombro destrozado, mis tromatones (llámalo como quieras: sentido arácnido, Fuerza, resplandior...) siguen funcionando. Ayer mismo estuve buscando futuros proyectos cinematográficos de Rob Zombie, que me entraron ganas de una nueva película suya (aunque nunca me pareciera buena la idea del remake de Halloween). No encontré nada, pero hoy aparece este PEDAZO de póster en la red:

Según lo veo yo, esta maravilla está es la antítesis de las mierdas de carteles que se llevan haciendo desde que se inventaron el Photohorror y la corrección política.

Dos cositas para afrontar la mañana

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 07:15:19 GMT

Alguna gente es interesante. Generalmente, se trata de personas con cierto desdén por las normas, como los polis de las pelis americanas (por cierto, recomendable a más no poder el pack de películas de Harry el Sucio, repletito de chorradas para gente como yo, incluyendo una placa policial de Callahan), pero de carne y hueso y menos letales. He aquí un ejemplo de persona molona:

Y he aquí el ejemplo de alguien que piensa como yo sobre el rollito patriotero al que se adscribe la cabaña ovina en ocasiones tan estúpidas como la Eurocopa (TM).

John Carpenter dice:

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 12:03:47 GMT

I’ll give you my big speech on horror. There are two horror stories that we can tell, and we can imagine ourselves around the campfire listening to the tribal elder or witch doctor or preacher or whoever it is telling us these things at night. The first thing he tells us is about where “evil” is, and he says, “Evil is out there,” and he points beyond the campfire, to the darkness in the woods and the noises we hear at night; the wolves that come and drag us off; those beasts out there; the “other”—the other tribe, the other people—the ones who are different, different color, their eyes are different from ours; those are the evil ones out there. In different countries they have different clothes, different ideologies, or they may be any force of nature we cannot control, so this unifies the tribe.

That’s the first story of horror. The second one is the same setup, but the tribal elder says, “Let me tell you where the evil is—the evil is here,” and he points to himself. And he says, “It’s in the human heart.” That’s a harder story to tell—that we are all part evil, monsters and devils—because the audience is always going to respond to the “other.” It unifies us as a tribe—that’s the way we are designed. We see things in order to find where the predator comes from; it’s survival instinct over all the time we have evolved. So a lot of this is unconscious in a way. We’re driven by it, and our parents reinforce it, our religion reinforces it—“Watch out!” Watch out for those predators, because they are all around.

-FANGORIA

Sé que este LJ parece un obituario

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 07:38:13 GMT

Ha muerto Cyd Charisse. Esperanza Aguirre y el "Nannysex" siguen vivos. Tócate los huevos.

MIERDA PUTA

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:37:16 GMT

¡SE HA MUERTO STAN WINSTON!

¡Joder! En mi buhardilla tengo una figuras de Eduardo Manostijeras, de un velocirraptor de Parque Jurásico, del endoesqueleto de Terminator, de Terminator con la cara jodida, de la Reina Alien, de Predator...

El tipo era un mito. Vale que sus criaturas más recordadas provienen de diseños de James Cameron o Tim Burton, pero...¡Leñe, si el tío hasta hizo al perro infernal de La Cosa!

Mi sincero homenaje.

Bla

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:40:48 GMT

Voy a escribir un rato para no dormirme. Extrañamente, no tengo ningún texto que hacer ahora mismo. Estos oasis de ocio en la oficina no dejan de ser incómodas espadas de Damocles, por lo cual tampoco hablamos de relax, pero sí de tocamiento de huevos. No me apetece mucho hablar de temas profundos. Podría elucubrar sobre la búsqueda de una parcela existencial por parte de un madrileño como yo, un ser para el que la Esperanza no es una opción y está muy mayor y perezoso para abrazar la desesperación. La respuesta, sospecho, es la banalidad y lo superficial. En otras palabras, centrarse en temas como:

-Battlestar Galactica: Filosofía, política o religión siguen siendo elementos clave de esta serie, y gracias a ellos podemos justificar ante los conocidos nuestra adicción sin parecer unos putos fricazos. En realidad lo que nos interesa son cosas como la parte de culebrón, las mozas que salen o las navecitas. Ya ha acabado la cuarta temporada con una emotiva consolidación de la pareja Rosslin-Adama y un final cabroncete que, según se intuye, es una nueva visión de la trama de Terra de la vieja serie.

-Adquisiciones de la Feria del Libro: No queda muy banal decir que estoy leyendo un libro con tres relatos de Joseph Conrad. Se supone que es literatura buena (lo es) y que trata sobre asuntos profundos (lo hace). En todo caso, si no fueran también relatos de aventuras, ni los tocaría. Hablo de El Corazón de las Tinieblas y otros relatos publicado por Valdemar. Lo compré en una visita relámpago a la Feria del Libro la semana pasada. Demasiada gente como para ponerse a ver casetas. También adquirí una edición chupiflás de Drácula y la edición en tapa dura de Juego de Tronos (¡qué fans...y gilipollas!)

Y ahora, hablando de juegos de tronos, voy a visitar el retrete, esa sala Zen de las oficinas.

Viernes 13

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 06:38:47 GMT

Con Arsenio Hall

Con Alice Cooper

Me siento rendido

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 14:55:57 GMT

Pero al menos no estoy rendido de la manera de este ~~primate~~ tipo. Eso sí sería la hecatombe.

Llamada al Infierno

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:55:44 GMT

Los maltratadores tendrán un teléfono para 'canalizar su agresividad'

Propongo estas opciones de teléfono para maltratadores:

Hablando de opiniones

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:59:15 GMT

Aunque a Vern le gustase María Antonieta, generalmente coincidimos en nuestra manera de ver el cine y el mundo de una manera escalofriante. He aquí

MY SUMMER VACATION IN THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

or

AH, FUCK IT, LET'S GET THIS OUT IN THE OPEN: I LIKED INDIANA JONES AND THE LEGEND OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS, AND I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYBODY IS GRIPING ABOUT

Last July this thing happened called TRANSFORMERS. It was one of the biggest movies of that summer, but I thought it was a terrible one. My main problems were the characters, the story, the comedy, the action sequences, and (this is a first for me) especially the design of the characters. The CGI characters were so overcomplicated and indistinguishable from each other that they actually made Michael Bay's notorious camera placement and editing beside the point, because even if it was two robots in front of a stationary camera in one continuous shot you still might not have any clue which one is which, what they're doing or which direction they're facing. That's actually the biggest problem of many big problems in the movie and I'm pretty sure it's a cinematic first - using the latest technology, Michael Bay invented a completely new way for a movie to suck. So I figured it was a bad, bad movie.

The internet begged to differ. As the writer of the only harshly negative TRANSFORMERS review on The Ain't It Cool News I got my biggest and angriest talkback ever. They told me I went in expecting Hamlet or SCHINDLER'S LIST, this isn't supposed to win Oscars (good, because it didn't, not even for special effects) and what do I expect, it's a big summer popcorn movie, it's just supposed to have some explosions in parts, only some kind of snob would go in holding it to some type of standard of quality, fuck you you cocksucking faggot bitch, etc.

This was upsetting to me because actually I'm not a snob, I think you have me confused with somebody else. I'm Vern - remember, I wrote that book about Steven Seagal movies. I'm the dude who would seriously consider busting Wesley Snipes out of the joint if promised a greenlight for BLADE 4. I'm way more interested in PREDATOR than GONE WITH THE WIND. Summer popcorn movies and explosions are important to me and I couldn't figure out why everybody had agreed on this fake story about how summer movies are supposed to suck and you have to like them no matter what and only an asshole doesn't. I mean couldn't you use that same argument for BATMAN AND ROBIN or LEAGUE OF THE EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN or etc.? Why aren't you a snob for not liking those ones? Check your brain at the door, dude! Fun! Popcorn!

And more importantly, haven't you guys seen GREAT summer movies before, some of them directed by the very individual who besmirched his name by producing TRANSFORMERS? I mean you guys know the first summer event movie was JAWS, right? And you're telling me they're not supposed to be good? Then why the fuck wasn't Spielberg thrown out of Hollywood for making JAWS? You'd think he'd have to be because JAWS is fucking good!

That's what kept spinning in my head. Number 1, how did he go from JAWS to this shit? Number 2, have we really come that far, from a great movie like that kicking off the whole concept of the big summer movie to all of society agreeing that only a huge prick would even suggest that you should go into a summer movie hoping for it to be legitimately good? Have standards for summer entertainment lowered in the thirty-some summers since JAWS? I really wanted to study this and for a long time I seriously considered ways to investigate this issue and write my next book about it.

But here we are just 3 movies into Movie Summer 2008 and we have a huge monkeywrench thrown into my argument. Because here we have Spielberg returning to summer movies as a director with INDIANA JONES AND THE ADVENTURE OF THE FORBIDDEN whatever it was. But this time it's ME writing the positive review, and it's the talkbackers who hate, despise, want to murder this movie. (What did they expect? Hamlet?) That's the problem with subjectivity. Last summer I'm wondering "why have standards gotten so low?" and now I'm stuck with "Why are everyone else's standards way higher than mine?"

Most of my circle of movie lovers I talk to really liked the movie. But on the internet it is widely agreed that it's an outrage, so much so that nerds are trying to replace that stupid "jump the shark" phrase with a reference to one of the sequences in the movie. Recently talking to a buddy I don't see that often I said I liked it and he said, "Really!? You're the first person I've heard say that!" I was afraid to even ask if he had seen it and changed the subject.

The night I saw the movie I was able to live in a positive bubble. The crowd cheered wildly, I didn't hear any douchebags rattling off nitpicks as I left, it was a good vibe. The next day when I checked and saw the talkbackers cutting it apart with razors, analyzing it with high powered microscopes and sending in tissue samples for lab testing it was kind of a kick in the nuts. It felt like going to your car after a Prince concert and finding out somebody jacked your stereo.

So why the fuck did I like this outrage, this affront to all that is sacred, this metaphorical crime against a fondly remembered chronologically early portion of your life history? Because I thought it was fucking good, that's why. I mean I see some of the complaints, there were things I didn't like, things that could've been stronger for sure, but no dealbreakers. What I didn't like was far overshadowed and outnumbered by what I did. I thought it was the same enjoyable tone as the previous sequels but also taking the series to a new place just by virtue of dealing with Indy's age (how it holds him back, how it changes his outlook on life) and with a new time period (since it is now 1957). I liked the characters, I liked the story (simple as it is), and I liked how it strung together a bunch of thrilling, expertly staged, constantly escalating action sequences.

That's the most important one: GREAT FUCKING ACTION SEQUENCES. I know, I thought those were illegal in the 2000s, but I guess Spielberg hates cops and rules so he made this movie as a huge fuck you to the Man. He says:

I will not apologize for the steadiness of my cam. I will not be ashamed of the momentum, suspense, surprise and payoff created through a carefully planned series of moving images. Gentlemen, I want you to be able to watch this and not only understand what the fuck is going on, but be excited about it! I'm not out of order, you're out of order! Your whole shot sequence is out of order!

You know, I'm not sure why I wrote that. I actually don't have to make up a fictional Spielberg quote about action filmatism because I have a real one. At this point I would like to refer back to February's Vanity Fair, in which Spielberg described his approach:

"I go for geography. I want the audience to know not only which side the good guy's on and the bad guy's on, but which side of the screen they're in, and I want the audience to be able to edit as quickly as they want in a shot that I am loath to cut away from."

and about scripts he said:

"Part of the speed is the story. If you build a fast engine, you don't need fast cutting, because the story's being told fluidly, and the pages are just turning very quickly. You first of all need a script that's written in the express lane, and if it's not, there's nothing you can do in the editing room to make it move faster. You need room for character, you need room for relationships, for personal conflict, you need room for comedy, but that all has to happen on a moving sidewalk."

When I first read that I think I must've yelled at the magazine. "Exactly! Exactly! FUCKING EXACTLY!" I couldn't figure out why the fuck Spielberg had not printed these exact words on a giant placard and held it in front of Michael Bay's face wherever he walked. That would've been earning that producer's credit.

Now, having seen the movie that he was working on when he said those words I can say that he lives up to them. Sure, it drags a little in the middle, maybe it was not in the express lane for one section, or maybe there was an accident that caused a major backup. But otherwise he practices what he preaches. I don't care what everybody else says, this is a good example of the kind of movie I wish there were more of in these summers.

(now I'm gonna start talking specifics. NOW ENTERING THE TEMPLE OF SPOIL.)

I love the opening of the movie, because just like TEMPLE OF DOOM's opening it completely threw me off. I did not expect it to open with a dynamically-shot drag race scene set to an Elvis tune. As it branches off to follow communists disguised as American soldiers making a hostile entry into an air force base it actually starts to feel like some weird period piece version of an UNDER SIEGE movie. I saw one talkbacker who hated the movie explain that the movie was derailed as soon as they introduced Indiana Jones by taking him out of the trunk of their car.

I would offer that as exhibit A that certain people could never enjoy this movie no matter what. Because what kind of a fuckin nut has a problem with that? That is the perfect entrance for this movie. Somehow you expect to see him introduced as some badass, panning up from his boots, he's got his hat and his whip and does some badass thing. You probaly shouldn't really expect it though because in TEMPLE OF DOOM they played with this by putting him in a white suit at a night club, and in part 3 they introduced him as a boy scout. In this one they introduce him as an old man being dumped out of a trunk, all disheveled. And you get the iconic shadow, but he has to straighten out his hat. It's fucking perfect! This is 20 years later, a head of hair grayer, he's in a bad situation and we want to see how he gets out of it.

My colleague Moriarty read a bunch of different drafts of the script and is personal friends with the guy who wrote a draft who did not get credit and says he will never work with Lucas again. So he criticizes the script as a Frankenhooker or Leatherface's mask type creation stitching the various scripts together. Well, okay, and I would love to see that Frank Darabont draft. But we as normal people who watch a movie when it's completed and do not follow every stage of development are allowed to see it as it exists instead of as the unfortunate alternative to what might have been. And from that perspective I gotta admire alot of the writing. For example, in the very opening they're told they can't come into the base because of weapon testing. You know what that means, but then the story starts, Indy is introduced, alot happens and you forget all about it. Until Indy has escaped and wanders into a suspiciously perfect looking suburban neighborhood. Your first thought might be "I never thought I'd see Indiana Jones in a '50s suburb" but your second will be "wait a minute, I know what this means. I've seen HULK. I've seen HILLS HAVE EYES the remake. OH SHIT INDY, GET OUT OF THERE!"

I thought this was a great moment, because for the first time you genuinely cannot figure out how the fuck Indy is gonna get out of a situation. You can outrun a boulder but I don't know about this one. His solution is completely desperate as it should be. Yes, he survives a ridiculous scenario. But he does it Indy style. I must formally object to this idea that we all agree that scene sucks. Maybe "nuke the fridge" should mean "scene in a movie that you are surprised to find out nerds hate for some reason." For example the Wachowskis nuked the fridge when they had people dancing before war in THE MATRIX RELOADED. I thought it was the perfect thing for dirty, sweaty, horny humanity in a big cave to do right before their last stand against emotionless, squid-like killer machines. But it turned out it was the worst thing ever, at least until surviving a nuclear bomb test.

I'm all for the bomb test. It's 1957, you gotta get a bomb test in there. When I heard they were making a new INDIANA JONES I figured it had to take place in the '50s, and I wasn't sure if that could work. I associate that dude so much with Nazis and World War II. But it turns out that working in all kinds of '50s themes was one of the things that made the movie so fun: the hot rods, the Elvis song, communist villains, greasers, McCarthyism, rumble at the malt shop, Area 51, flying saucers. It turns out to all fit so naturally. The outside world is slowly changing but it doesn't really matter because the outside world is only Indy's day job. His adventures take place in ancient temples, tombs and hidden chambers that would look the same in 1957, 1942 or 1236.

The other aspect I was concerned about from the advertsing was the character Mutt Williams, played by Shia LeBeouf (star of TRANSFORMERS). I didn't see why Indy needed another sidekick. And if he did why can't it be a guy he already knows at the beginning of the movie, like Short Round. When they introduced him on a motorcycle dressed like Marlon Brando in THE WILD ONE I was worried. Why couldn't they have cast a young guy who's more badass, like James Franco or somebody? But as soon as he dipped his comb in that guy's drink he won me over. I think he's a funny character with his bluster, his hair combing obsession, the way he mentions his fencing training and you know what that means. Shia does a good job of making his character funny and his stunt doubles do a good job giving him a little Jackie Chan physical humor and Errol Flynn grace.

The one universal complaint about the movie I can understand is the little Tarzan moment. Mutt gets stuck in a tree surrounded by monkeys, he notices how they're swinging on vines so he copies them and they follow him. And the vine swinging is not shot to look realistic, but phony like those old Tarzan movies. I do agree that this pushes things a little bit farther than the other sequels do. At first I thought "what the fuck are they doing?" But I cannot lie. Like the universally hated dance sequence in SPIDER-MAN 3 I was kind of charmed by the sheer goofy audacity of it. The payoff of Cate Blanchett trying to continue driving at high speeds along the edge of a cliff while covered in a pile of monkeys won me over. So I like the Tarzan scene more than I like little Short Round beating up a bunch of adults in TEMPLE OF DOOM. It's a finer vintage of ridiculous. But I don't blame you for being haunted by it in your sleep.

That whole chase section is probaly my favorite part of the movie. One complaint I've seen is that it's too much effects, it's not organic like the truck chase in RAIDERS. Okay, I agree, organic is definitely better. But RAIDERS is a little more real and less jokey and cartoonish than any of the sequels. If I had read somewhere that Spielberg planned to ignore twenty-however-many years of history and make a sequel more like the first one then maybe I would've been disappointed, but I never got that misleading memo. This is a chase in the tradition of the speeder bike chase in RETURN OF THE JEDI (a movie that has a way worse Tarzan reference, by the way) and the mine cart chase in TEMPLE OF DOOM. Yes, it is over-the-top, yes it involves alot of special effects to make it happen, but the way it's constructed for me is completely thrilling.

And speaking of effects, I just cannot handle this whining about there being CGI in the movie. You got a better way to depict a swarm of ants devouring a guy? I don't think puppets are gonna work. They probaly tried little people in costumes crawling all over a rubber head the size of a house but decided the talkbackers would say it looked too fake. Why would there be a rule that the new one cannot use technology not invented yet when the other ones were made? Since the beginning these movies have tried to push the technology of special effects, and in this one it seemed to me like they actually held back with the digital. (I even thought they had intentionally made the backgrounds on the jeep sword duel scene look like old fashioned blue screens, but I'm not sure. I've since heard that was supposed to be done for real but couldn't be because of the combined forces of a hurricane and a set-in-stone release date.)

Okay, so it was weird to have a CGI prairie dog right at the beginning of the movie, but I'm not gonna throw a movie out on the basis of 5 or 10 seconds of prairie dog.

The big question to me I guess is why this is such an enjoyable movie to me and not to so many others. I mean, I think everybody is wrong about HULK but I can't be completely surprised because part of what I like about it is the ballsiness of Ang Lee making half Hulk kicking ass movie, half serious drama. This isn't like that, this seems to me like a really well made if fluffy version of a mainstream crowdpleaser kind of movie. But the pitchforks and torches are out. I don't quite get it.

I've asked around about this and the answer I usually got was "expectations." Most people could go into TRANSFORMERS with no expectations and when they were given a load of moronic horse shit they just though, "well, I guess that's what TRANSFORMERS is supposed to be." But with INDIANA JONES everybody has memories of those movies, everybody wants a certain thing out of them, wants this one to be perfect, or doesn't want this one to exist unless it can be magically transported to their childhood and they can remember it fondly while polishing the vintage CRYSTAL SKULL Burger King glasses they got on ebay.

I think it's a good theory, and I can definitely picture this one being more appreciated when it becomes old (just like TEMPLE OF DOOM was). I guess those expectations are a bitch. I get it with the STAR WARS prequels. I get a kick out of those personally but they are way more objectively "bad" than this one is, and more importantly they're a very different type of movie than the originals. The whole look, scope and technology used in making them is so different, so it's easy to understand loving the one trilogy and hating the other. With this one I can't see it though, it's so much a natural extension of the other ones, another similar adventure in a similar tone but with some twists and angles based on the character's age and the time period it takes place. Another Indiana Jones adventure. If the guys in talkback hate the duck going down the waterfalls, how do they feel about the raft falling out of the airplane in TEMPLE OF DOOM? It seems to me like a selective enforcement of realism standards.

Anyway, if that is the answer then that's fine, that would make it a phenomenon specific to INDIANA JONES, a series I think is great but that has never had the religious significance to me that it seems to have to many people. I never got a costume and learned to use a real bullwhip, like the dude who kept going to the front of the Cinerama before the midnight show. I guess George Lucas was right in that interview that pissed everybody off where he said that no matter what the fans would hate the movie because they already have it written in their heads and unless it matches that exactly they will say that it molested them.

But I have this other theory that's way more depressing to me. It came about when I read some of Chud's "Tag Team Indiana Jones Post-Mortem." Those guys all separately reviewed the movie, hated it, then later came back as a combined force to continue reviewing it and continue hating it. I don't mean to imply that their opinions aren't valid, but alot of it reads as the kind of joyless, humorless, nitpicky criticism that makes it seem like the writers don't even like watching movies anymore. It's the curse of a movie series being this beloved I guess. You saw RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK as a kid, you had no idea what it was and it knocked you on your ass. Now you're all grown up and full of opinions and you followed this movie through every stage of development and rumored development and had an opinion on every plot point before you sat down to watch it. You go in already knowing everything about the movie and come out outraged that it didn't rekindle your childlike sense of wonder.

Anyway, Nick Nunziata (producer of GRIZZLY PARK) wrote:

"These are not the premier craftsmen of rewarding and honest mainstream entertainment anymore. That mantle has been passed on to men with last names like Raimi, Jackson, del Toro, and Nolan. Steven Spielberg has made some extraordinary dramas since his heyday as the master of the summer movie, but he's really wasting his time in this kind of fare. Although they set the standard in many regards, it may just be that this kind of material works a lot better when the participants have something still to prove."

(Kind of weird that he put Raimi in there. I mean, I'm the guy who didn't think SPIDER-MAN 3 was that bad. I still love the guy but if you gotta match up "past his heyday, worked better when he had something still to prove" with either Spielberg or Raimi, I'm gonna choose Raimi.)

See, I gotta disagree because I feel like Spielberg is showing these other guys how it's done. Yes, I like all of those directors listed, but they aren't making the same flavor of "rewarding and honest mainstream entertainment" that Spielberg is doing here. Raimi did the SPIDER-MAN movies, but I don't think they're any better than this, and all nerds have now disowned him because of part 3. Jackson - do you expect to see summer fun time movies out of this guy ever again? I thought you guys all hated KING KONG. Del Toro is a genius, no doubt about it, but HELLBOY is not as good as this, BLADE 2 seems like a one-off and the other stuff is not mainstream entertainment.

And I'm really glad he mentioned Nolan. He has so far released one "mainstream entertainment," BATMAN BEGINS, I don't think he's ready to take the torch yet. BATMAN BEGINS is great, but its flaws are the same flaws as most other "honest mainstream entertainment" and also the exact things that Spielberg excels at and has brought back to the big screen with CRYSTAL SKULL. BATMAN BEGINS is a movie about a character whose quest in life is all about fighting and swinging around, and yet rarely has a compelling scene about those things. He outrages a clan of ninjas in a burning temple on top of a mountain, but instead of a classic fight and escape scene he slides down a mountain. He gets in multiple fights and instead of choreography we get shakycam. Then at the end there's a big action climax on a CGI monorail - I've seen it several times but don't remember much about it. Every time I read people excitedly saying that Nolan is great because he doesn't have a second unit director on DARK KNIGHT I think "No! You don't understand! You NEED a second unit director!"

(in defense of his action skills, the Batmobile chase scene is really good.)

To me BATMAN BEGINS is miraculous because it's a super hero movie that is great because of the characterization, the drama, and the approach to realism, despite having kind of a stupid looking costume and lackluster action set pieces. I agree, that makes Nolan very respectable, and you could definitely argue that those are more important things to be good at. But as a fan of these "summer popcorn movies" that everybody has such low expectations for, and of action movies in particular, I have been pushing for a resurrection of the art of the exciting action set piece. Some of the movies by those directors named do have those (the Spider-man's have some pretty good ones, and of course BLADE 2 has some classic fight scenes) but for the most part in modern movies they're few and far between. If BATMAN BEGINS had action scenes as exciting as the ones in CRYSTAL SKULL (in a realistic tone that fit the movie) it would be up there with T2 and what not as one of the all time classics.

CRYSTAL SKULL brings back that geography (which side of the screen is he standing on?), it brings back the thrill of the chase, the love of inventive action beats (who cares if it's cartoonish, how could you hate Marion driving off the cliff, onto the tree, the tree cushioning their fall and then catapulting back up to knock the climbing communists off of the cliff?). It's a return to the art of speed, thrills and excitement that have a rhythm and build to them so that you are excited to get to the climax of the scene and not just exhausted. And when it gets to the end of the movie it feels like it has gotten to the end, it doesn't feel like it's been the same pitch from beginning to end (see Sommers, Stephen).

So what that quote from Mr. Nunziata makes me worry is that maybe he's right - maybe Spielberg making these kind of movies is obsolete, but not because he's lost his touch - because people don't want to see these kinds of movies anymore, not even grown adults who write about movies for a living. From what I can see, Nunziata didn't review TRANSFORMERS, but the other two in the post-mortem (both intelligent individuals) gave it higher ratings and way more positive write-ups than CRYSTAL SKULL. And they might even like it better in retrospect, because Devin Faraci recently referred to it as "really good." And I still can't figure it out, but he's definitely in the majority on that one.

Oh shit. This is the I AM LEGEND ending. This is where I realize that I was the vampire all along. Maybe the Shakycamites are the new civilization, and I have no right or hope fighting it. Maybe the type of movies I like, the type that Spielberg describes in those quotes, are something quaint that only people like me want to see. Eventually "good action" will be a nostalgic novelty niche like "Grindhouse." Somebody will put a bunch of money into a really kickass action movie some day and it will flop and the genre will be dead forever. And directors who dare to hold a shot for longer than 2 seconds will be beaten and hung.

Well, hopefully not. I would like if they at least have access to lawyers. We'll see what happens.

Denúnciame

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:50:17 GMT

Pues a mí me gustan más Señales y El Bosque que El Sexto Sentido y El Protegido. Y mi opinión nunca es negociable.

Hobby

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 12:32:28 GMT

El viernes acudí a la proyección de un peculiar, descacharrante, personal, gamberro y tierno documental llamado Hobby, dirigido por Ciro Altabás, un conocido lleno de talento y que está destinado, irremediablemente, a dar que hablar. En el documental también aparece el archiconocido Kirai. El momento Batalla del Alcázar me hizo llorar de risa.